10-25-16

Things are a bit rough here.

Ordinarily, I would not write the sort of thing that I am about to write, but my wife and I have found ourselves almost completely alone in the midst of a massive city as far as friends / community / support go for roughly two years now, and I don’t know where else to share this. I will say upfront that I am fantastically discouraged and even angry, very uncertain of the future, and failing to trust God well in the midst of many unknowns.

A number of things are culminating lately: my wife’s physical health has declined to the point that she is no longer able to work and has closed the business that she ran out of our home for the foreseeable future. This accounted for a little more than one third of our income, which is now gone. While we do not live extravagantly and are in zero debt apart from our house payment, we have found ourselves in a scenario in which we will start going into negative numbers financially by December, even after massively adjusting our budget down to the bare minimum.

I, meanwhile, am seeking out other work because we need to either make more money in order to live off of my income alone or we need to sell our house and move to another city that is far cheaper. Denver as a whole has grown extraordinarily expensive as far as the housing market so there is little chance we could afford anything else here, including an apartment, if we sold. Those of you who know me may be aware of my many, many attempts to find other jobs in years prior, failing every time because while I have accomplished a number of things in a variety of areas, apparently none of them lend well to actually being hired in a specific position. People ask me what sort of work I’d like to do and I literally don’t know what to tell them, so I’ve been looking into a bit of everything. But urgency is not a good place from which to carefully and diligently seek out good employment.

I mentioned my family not having much support in this city. Along those lines, we have been out of a church for over a year now, only dipping our toes into a number of places around Denver and being deeply discouraged by the incredible immaturity, lack of reverence, youthful ignorance and generally unconcerned quality of churches in Denver. I feel that we have done our due diligence over the past five years of both pursuing others with which to do life together and have made an effort at the churches we have visited, and have been sorely disappointed all around. I am willing to admit that our expectations may be too high, but it is baffling to me that we never experienced such trouble in this aspect prior to living here. Denver is full of hermit-like people and families; they want their own lives to stay their own lives so that they can do what they want when they want, and they are not interested in having deep or lasting or honest friendships, opening up, or helping those in need (at least in our experience).

I recognize what a complainer I sound like. I recognize that we are not in any “real” physical suffering or pain, and while our money is tight we are probably not going to starve. But we are weary, and discouraged, and feel so alone in this giant city surrounding us, full of people who have essentially shown us they are just not interested, particularly within the entity of the church that is supposed to be sensitive to those in trouble and bound together in community and love by the common ground of Jesus. Our marriage has suffered and floundered for lack of others with which to walk through all of this with us, for lack of peers in a similar stage of life to be friends with or older couples who have lived more life and could potentially share wisdom. When we were drowning, we were left alone to drown and figure it out on our own, and even on the day that I write this we are surviving but not in good shape.

In writing this I’m not asking for money, nor trying to draw attention to myself, nor asking for anyone to “Like” it or Comment some flimsy sympathy because those things are not tangible and frankly they do not do one damn bit of good for the human behind this piece of writing and his family who are in perhaps the roughest stage of their lives so far. I’m also not calling out any particular person or saying that “All of this is someone else’s fault, not mine,” because I’m fully willing to admit it might be my own fault that we are where we are. But what we need right now is some tangible help. I need a new job so that I can provide for my family. We need friends and other people to talk with and bounce thoughts off of so we don’t go crazy in our own isolated heads. We need a church that gives a shit about its congregation and a community that is aware of and cares for each other. In all of the above it feels as if we’ve tried everything and are at a loss as to what the hell we’re doing incorrectly because nothing is panning out. So if you’re a praying person, please pray for us.